120: How to Change Your mind

Speaker 1: How to make love. Mm. Now, is that from recipe or from scratch? This is how to make love. Wow.

Speaker 2: Oh, gosh.

Speaker 1: Ooh. Oh my God. Yeah. A little to the left and faster. A show that tests the edges of what love is.

Speaker 3: Worthiness. Empathy. Beauty.

Speaker 1: Sex positive. The borders, it can cross how we do integrity in all of our relationships. And it's hidden costs and shadows.

Speaker 2: In a world where we other, other people, where we build walls, just tear down walls.

Speaker 1: Fuck finding it or falling into it. Our future depends on making it.

Speaker 3: Hey, everybody. This is Laura. Welcome back to How to Make Love. I'm really, really glad you're here. And I'm pumped about this conversation because I think if we are people who really value liberation and inclusivity, which I know that we are, if we really care about it, then we have to be willing to learn to change our mind. Not occasionally, not when it's easy, but regularly, on purpose, even when it's uncomfortable, especially when it's uncomfortable, because inclusivity and liberation, they're, they're not just about what we believe in and value. They are what we practice or not in moments of tension and discomfort. And it's about whether our minds can expand to include what we don't understand. And most of us, we haven't trained for that. We've trained for the opposite. So today, we're gonna dig into all of that. I think that most people would say that they value growth and openness and inclusivity.

Speaker 3: But in practice, we actually run around defending our existing views, filtering out what doesn't fit into our worldview, doubling down when we're challenged, getting defensive, demeaning, negating, sometimes even belittling people who disagree with our values or religion or politics and so on. And we don't do that because we're bad people. We do that because our brains are trying to keep things stable and simple and honestly the same. Because adult brains, we just really don't like being challenged. Our beliefs organize our world. They anchor our identity. They help us feel oriented in a disorienting world. And so when someone challenges them, your brain doesn't say, "Oh, great. New information that challenges who I am or how I think or how I believe or what I value." It says, "Something is off. Something is causing tension to who we are, fix it quickly." And fixing it usually means make it go away, dismiss it, protect the current model of thinking and believing and valuing.

Speaker 3: So here's the part we don't say out loud very often. If your mind doesn't update, it actually narrows. We become less able to take in new perspectives and, and truly try them on and find value in them, whether we agree or not. We become less able to understand people who are different from us, and we have a tendency to see them in opposition to us. We become less able to notice when our framework of thinking or believing is incomplete or limited. So even if you believe in and value, justice, inclusivity, liberation, your thinking may be excluding it in real time. Excluding ideas, people, perspectives, nuance, complexity, growth, tension, so on. Because it can only include what it already knows how to see. And that's something that we need to be able to change because inclusivity is not just a value, it is a cognitive capacity.

Speaker 3: It is a muscle. It is, uh, you know, when no one looks and something in our lives is intention, what are we practicing in those moments? And it depends on our ability to notice when our model of thinking or believing is incomplete. Uh, it requires us to tolerate the discomfort of not knowing and be able to hang out in that space. And it requires us to revise our thinking, to make room for more. So that means if you want to be more inclusive, you have to get better at changing your mind on purpose, not abstractly as a process, as a practice. And change doesn't happen when we find a better belief. It happens much earlier than that. And at the exact moment when something doesn't fit or starts to, you know, like rub against us or create some sandpaper friction. So those examples of things like that are, uh, a perspective that complicates your own perspective, a person that you perceive as inconvenient because of how they move around in the world or what they believe, a reaction that feels too fast or too certain or maybe a little morally righteous, uh, a piece of information that you just wanna dismiss, uh, a value that you hold that gets called into question or placed under tension.

Speaker 3: That's the moment. Most people override those moments. They explain it away, they discredit the source, they reinforce what they already think. Uh, sometimes they even belittle the person who is espousing different perspectives. But if we can learn to stay right there in those moments of discomfort, even briefly, even for just one second more, that's where our mind becomes more pliable, more expansive, more inclusive. That's where the change in our mind can take place. So here's an actual process that you could use. It's not theory, it's, it's science, it's mechanism. So I'm gonna give you a handful of steps that you can take to change your brain, to make your brain grow, to build a more inclusive brain. So the first step is to detect the mismatch. To notice when reality or another perspective doesn't fit your expectation or doesn't fit what you want to hear.

Speaker 3: That's your signal that updating, that growing, that changing is possible. Now, remember, your brain is not gonna like this signal. We've all been trained when we feel that signal that changing is possible, that updating is possible. We've all been trained to shut that shit down. It's easier and safer and less vulnerable to stay the same. So your brain is not gonna be happy. You just gotta know this in advance. It's not going to be happy that you've identified a moment to lean into growth and change. And so here's step two. I want you to inhibit that defensive reflex. Your brain is gonna try to resolve this mismatch immediately, I promise you. See that your brain is using logic or morality or lack of proof or lack of credentials or whatever it is using to try to resolve the tension by making it go away. That's what inhibiting the defensive reflex means.

Speaker 3: And so I want you to learn how to pause in that moment. Step two is about staying in that pause and not explaining it away just yet. Just hanging out in that uncomfortable moment. The third step is to hold both beliefs, hold both models. Keep your current belief and allow the new information or perspective to just hang out with yours. In your mind at the same time, let them coexist, let them both be valid. This does not mean, uh, using your belief to, in your brain while the other person is talking, convince yourself that you're right, or be like, "What an idiot," or what that's not allowing the two things to coexist. Allowing the two things to coexist means holding them both as equal possibilities, as valid beliefs, because even if you disagree with all of your might and passion, that other person still believes it.

Speaker 3: It is real for them. So hold them both and say, "My brain is big. The world is big. There's space for both of these things to sit at the table together, even if I disagree, even if just for a moment." The forcep is to kind of examine what's going on, examine the structure of your thoughts, meaning I want you to ask, "What assumptions is my belief built on? Are those assumptions still valid? Is that what I want to be believing? Are these beliefs in alignment with my values is how I'm operating with this person and their belief in alignment with my, my values?" You're basically creating enough space to consider and be curious. You're not being judgemental of the other person or of yourself, self. You're not making space to defend. You're not making space to negate. You're not making space to deflect. But space enough to say, "Would I like to grow and stretch here?" And of course, the answer's going to be no, because you're a human and your brain does what it, it does.

Speaker 3: And so I want you to anticipate that and I want you to ask yourself again, even after you've said no. So like, no, really would I, would I truly like to grow bigger and hold more with this person, hold more of this person in this moment. And that's where the change starts to happen in that openness to growth, in that softening to curiosity. And then the last step is to update, but I want you to update, uh, precisely, meaning with some precision. So adjust your belief just enough to account for what you've learned. Don't be all or nothing about it. This is another form of exclusion or just dismissing. If you, if you adjust your belief so that it swings the pendulum, of course you're not going to believe it. And that's not growing. That's just, um, a, a tricky mechanism that your brain is using to just reify your own thinking because the, the belief is going to be so ridiculous that you're like, "Of course, I don't want to believe that.

Speaker 3: " And then you'll dismiss it and then you're right back to where you are. The same person, same brain, uh, excluding the same things that it's always excluded. So just adjust slightly to take more space in your belief or your value or your opinion so that it, it can include just 1% more. That's all I'm asking. Uh, I want to show you what this looks like in practice so we can see it happening. So let's walk through a couple examples together. Example, uh, number one, let's think of something kind of low stakes and relatively easy to apply and accept. Let's say you believe I'm just not a morning person. It feels true, you've said it for years, that's how you live your life. When stuff comes up in the morning, I'm just not a morning person. Now, imagine something that happens. Maybe you travel, maybe, uh, you have a kid and your schedule changes, maybe you have a new friend or partner in your life who likes activities in the morning, or you just notice that on certain days, your body actually does seem to feel okay, maybe even good in the morning.

Speaker 3: That's the moment. That's the moment. So step one, we're gonna detect the mismatch. Huh. That doesn't fully fit my identity, my belief about who I am. Step number two, we're gonna inhibit the defense reflex. So again, we all have it, we all do it. Most of us just do it on repeat over and over and over. We dismiss, we negate, we be like, "Oh, there's not evidence for that. There's no proof for that. Blah, blah, blah, blah." So instead of saying, "Yeah, but that's because I slept really well, or this is a fluke, or a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." You're just gonna pause. You're gonna notice that you are starting to defend the way you've always thought, and you're just gonna pause, create a little space. Step number three, you're going to hold both in your brain at the same time without being a jerk to the new thought.

Speaker 3: So you're gonna hold, I'm not a morning person, as true and valid, and sometimes I actually feel good in the morning, or I really do enjoy getting up early to take my dog on a walk once a week, or whatever it is. You're just gonna hold both at the same time and treat them as equally respectable. Both are true for now. Then the fourth step is you're gonna examine the structure of your thinking. So you might ask, "When did I decide this? Like, when did I decide that I was a morning person? Is it always true? Is it just often true? How do I feel about it? Is pigeon holding my identity in this way still useful for me? Does it help me be more or less compassionate? Just how, how am I using this thought? And is it what I want to be doing?" Then the last step is to update, but with precision.

Speaker 3: So instead of flipping to, "I love the mornings," or, "I am a morning person now," you're not gonna do that. You're going to update to, "I might be a little more flexible than I thought." That's it. Small shift, but your model just became not only more, uh, accurate because, uh, it holds a little bit more space for both realities, but it also became more expansive. You are starting to change your mind on purpose to make space for more. And that's the practice of inclusivity. But again, it's more convenient for a lot of us to value inclusivity. And then in the moments when we're asked to hold complexity, hold a little bit more, hold, make a little more space for someone else, we choose not to. So this is the process that you can engage to do this. Now, I want to go through another example and, like, go a little further.

Speaker 3: What we just did with that thought, if you stayed with it, is we just made our mind a bit more inclusive, not performatively, not cognitively and intellectually. We increased our capacity to take in new information, to revise our assumptions, and to include more space, more nuance, more complexity, possibly more people. That's what an inclusive mind actually is. So let's look at, uh, an example that might be a little harder for us. Let's say you're scrolling in Instagram or you're in a conversation and someone says something that feels politically wrong, misinformed, offensive, possibly, maybe even harmful. And your reaction is immediate. That's ignorant. This is the problem. These people are the problem. People like this are exhausting and should be skyrocketed off in Elon Musk's rocket to the moon and left there, whatever it is. This is where most people just keep moving on with their normal brain and mind.

Speaker 3: And we can even take a bit of satisfaction in reifying our beliefs, in tightening, in closing, in boxing out a sense of, "I know better," or, "I'm on the right side," or, "Thank goodness I'm not that person," or this sort of, like, pity. We, we all do this. But that feeling, that's not just conviction, that's actually a reward. Your brain is reinforcing your current model. And whatever it is, it's still more narrow than it could be. At least if you're not willing to validate the humanity of someone in front of you in a full way, regardless of what they believe, that's an indicator that your brain is narrowing. So step one, detect the mismatch, not just in what they said in you. The speed, the certainty, the way that curiosity disappeared, that's the signal that your mind is closing, not opening. The second step, you're gonna inhibit your traditional defense mechanism.

Speaker 3: So right here, your brain wants to dismiss, reduce, move on, confirm. Those are the moments that we just pause because what feels like clarity, what feels like certainty might actually be this reinforcing loop that just keeps your brain and your heart smaller than it could be than it's capable of being. So the next step, we're gonna hold both. I strongly disagree with this and validate that as true. This is offensive to me and validate that as true while also making space for, "I don't fully understand how they got here. I don't fully understand their belief system." And you're gonna let both of those things coexist without rushing to resolve. Resolve means dismissing, negating, shutting out, et cetera. So then you're gonna take a peek, the fourth step at the structure of your thinking, and I want you to practice going deeper than most people have capacity to.

Speaker 3: I want you to ask, "What identity am I protecting right now? What do I get by feeling so certain here? Am I more attached to being right or being useful?" That's a really valid question. Most of us are more attached, spoiler alert to being right. And, and this is like, by the way, I just wanna say, um, when I am asked by people of color to lead spaces for white people's growth and development, this is often what I see, this clinging to like, "Well, how could you ask me to validate this person who's espousing these horrible beliefs?" And I'm not asking you to validate their beliefs. I'm asking you to practice inclusivity, to make your brain softer and more open because in order for us as white people to go change the thinking and believing and hearts of other white people, which is our responsibility to do, or, or to engage the hearts and brains and bodies of other white people, in order to engage someone, you can't just shut them down.

Speaker 3: And so I actually see these, like, very, uh, morally superior white people marching into space with this adamance and they belittle and they negate. And what they do is they make it almost impossible for the person that they just belittled or negated to engage in the future. They just made everyone's work harder by being morally superior assholes. How does that help us? What makes more space for liberation and justice is people sitting down to validate the humanity of one another in the face of vehement disagreement. That's the thing. And as all of us, but I am especially speaking to my white friends, family, loved ones, we have to be able to develop this skill. If we are pushing people away in the way that we are practicing quote unquote justice or liberation, we're not doing anything in the moral arc of the universe to actually help.

Speaker 3: We're just making ourselves feel better because we're not those people and we don't believe those things. So hop off my soapbox and, and we'll go back to the process, uh, because it's hard. It's really hard, you guys. I know. And I'm not asking you to all of a sudden become a Republican, let's say, or become a Democrat or, you know, like, you know, believe that, uh, Palestine shouldn't be free. I'm not asking you to do any of those things. I'm asking you to make more space in your brain and your heart and your body to sit in discomfort alongside other human beings and just be in the tension of being human with them without trying to resolve it, without negating them, without making yourself feel better. So one question that I think as you're in step four and examining the structure of your thinking, one question that's hard, but I think really helpful is holding up a mirror and say, "Is my certainty limiting my ability to create possible change in this moment?" And the answer's probably gonna be yes.

Speaker 3: And that doesn't mean, again, you flip the script and go to the opposite, just means you acknowledge it. And then step five, see if you can make a slight update that makes your brain bigger, your heart bigger, but update precisely. So it's not, "Oh, this person's totally right, and that's a perfectly acceptable thing to believe. That's not what I'm asking you to do. " Instead, it might say, "My way of seeing this is incomplete." And that's true because even if you are certain you're right, your way of seeing things has not inhabited the body and the brain and the experiences of this other person. Your way of seeing is incomplete by default because there are other people who believe the exact same opposite as you with complete adamance. So your thinking is incomplete. That's all I'm asking is to just update to that from they are horrible human beings to my way of seeing has some incompletion because of my experiences and lived experiences.

Speaker 3: Maybe the update is, "I can hold my values without shutting down my curiosity." Or maybe the update is, "If I can't understand this, I can't influence it. " Or maybe the update to your thinking is being right isn't the same thing as being a skillful practitioner of liberation. All of those updates would grow and stretch your brain and your practice a bit more than this person is an asshole or let's shoot them to the moon or whatever it is. You can be deeply committed to inclusivity and still have a mind that excludes on an active and regular basis. Not because your values are wrong, not because you're a bad person, but because your thinking isn't moving. You are not willing or able to move your thinking and make space for more. Because if our brains only expand when it's comfortable or when it's easy or when it reinforces what we already believe or who we believe ourselves to be, if your mind only opens when it feels good to open, it's not actually opening and that's why this skill matters so much because inclusivity isn't just about what you say you believe, it is about how you move around in the world.

Speaker 3: So this is the part that can feel a little intense, but it's still true. You have to be willing to break your brain a little bit on purpose, not in a chaotic way, in a deliberate way, to let your current model just loosen or stretch or sometimes even fail so that it can rebuild into something more expansive, more inclusive, more open. If you're never doing this, you're not growing, you're reinforcing, you are constricting, you are limiting, you are shrinking. So what does this look like in real life? Well, it looks like catching yourself mid-reaction and pausing. Like even that would be a profound catapult forward for humanity if we could all learn to do that. Letting someone finish instead of preparing your rebuttal while they're talking, realizing that you may not fully understand this yet, or even I may not fully understand this from this other person's perspective yet.

Speaker 3: Or even bigger, it might lead to rethinking a long held belief or updating how you see a group of people or letting go of an identity that no longer fits, that you find yourself kind of trapped in and performing, but it always starts the same way with a moment that you don't rush past with seeing that you have an impulse to crave certainty and just inhibiting that a little bit longer. A more inclusive world isn't gonna be built by people who quote unquote get it. It's built by people who are willing to keep updating, to keep making space, especially when it's hard, to notice when their thinking is limited, to expand it, to include more, more people, more values, more openness over and over and over again. Changing your mind is not a weakness. It's how your mind becomes more accurate, more expansive, more inclusive as a muscle.

Speaker 3: And ultimately, it's how we all become more capable of building the kind of world that feels safe, that is safe, that we say that we want. So until next time, my friends, my hope is that you break your brain as many times as possible and that you learn to value that process in order to practice liberation and inclusivity just as much as you value it. I'll see you next time. Bye for Nathans.